Gareth died on March 4th, 2014, after a fall from a 4th floor window in the early hours of February 28th. He was living and working at a university in Gyeongju and I had just moved nearby to the town of Hayang. I'll let the blog unfold this story.
As a poet and prolific one at that, writing was something that I believe saved Gareth at times. I've also depended on writing to get me through tough times. I know it's certainly kept me tethered since this all began. This blog is both a collection of my posts on Facebook since I got the news of his fall and additional writings I've added chronicling the grief process for me. It's different for everyone, as we know. This is my journey. I hope it helps someone out there along the way who may be experiencing loss.
Dear Bridget
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is the right place to communicate with you but after looking through much of what you have written I thought I should.
I met Gareth when we worked at British Hills in Japan. I didn't like him at first, he seemed pushy, a bit "in-yer-face" but gradually I got to like him more and more and then one day I realised I'd fallen in love with him a bit! It was odd because he's really not my type but then I worked out that he he had similarities to my very first boyfriend (the shape of the chin and his emotional intensity) Through our brief friendship I never told him about this.
He left B.H. in not the happiest of circumstances (mainly because of a twisted witch of a manager) but we kept in touch and we met up in Christchurch when I travelled Australia and the Pacific. I have a lovely memory of making him really laugh with a joke (how many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold my penis.... I mean my mother.... I mean the ladder!)
I returned to the UK after 15 years in Asia and it's not been easy being back but Skype has been a great tool to keep in touch with friends in distant places. Gareth and I would regularly have long, deep, intense, silly, poetic, rambling conversations and it is with a cruel irony that I thought how glad I was to have Gareth as a friend only weeks before I heard he'd died.
We last Skyped exactly a month before he died. In fact we had several chats in quick succession, one was because he'd called me to apologise for the night before because he'd been drunk and rambling. He'd been talking about you two, I really have no memory of any details of what he said but I remember being taken aback by a change in his demeanour. It's difficult for me to explain because my feelings have been affected by having read a lot of your blog so I shall try and go back to that last conversation I had with Gareth and how I felt then.
He seemed changed, something had finished, the book was closed (although he hadn't put it down yet) At the time I remember it came across to me as recklessness, like he didn't care what was going to happen to him, and I said this to him. I really can't remember the exact words of his reply but he said something about having no fear of death, he came across as very centred, "placed", caring that I cared but that I wasn't to be worried.
When I heard how he died (I contacted the am/dram group) it kind of made sense.
He was drunk, wanted to get out of the way, looked out of the window and thought "oh, fuck it, I can do this" It's impossible to find any comfort in his death but I feel if you told Gareth about a drunk friend climbing out onto a ledge to escape an uncomfortable situation he'd laugh and launch into a routine about the stupidity of drunks.
I miss him more than I thought I would and I've had a few tears writing this but that just show's how precious he was, I feel I lost a true friend.
Warm regards
Matt
Dear Matt-
DeleteThank you for leaving a message. Thank you for being there for Gareth during that difficult time. It was hard to witness, I know. And of course you fell in love with him a bit! Who couldn't?
The loss is great and spreads out across many people in several countries. Gareth is a wonderful thread through which we're all connected now.
Love to you.
Bridget